Queering Connections: (Re)building Community and Self after a Breakup
Posted on: 3/19/25
Posted by: Jamie
Break-ups are hard. There is no sugarcoating it. I have been there myself and have seen many peers and friends go through break-ups. It’s not just about losing a partner; sometimes, it can feel like losing an entire established life—the version of yourself that existed in that relationship, the routines, the shared experiences and lexicons, and often, a built-in social safety net.
For those of us raised in a culture that prioritizes heterosexual monogamy, this loss can be particularly destabilizing. We are taught that romantic love is the pinnacle of human connection, the glue that holds our lives together. But what if we could rethink that? What if, instead of seeing a breakup as the loss of love, we see it as an opportunity to reimagine connection? The hollow feeling after a breakup, the sudden void where the relationship once was, the frequent reminders in everyday life of our heartbreaks—this sadness (or hurt, or madness, etc.) usually marks the weeks, months, and even years after a breakup. Are there ways to make the post-breakup period nurturing and … less horrible?
This blog explores the concept of queering connections—reframing relationships beyond the monogamous romantic paradigm—to build meaningful, diverse social networks after a breakup. Whether you identify as queer or not, these ideas can help you foster deeper, more fulfilling connections that hopefully facilitate your transitions to the next chapter of your life.
Breakups are a common life experience for young adults and hit each of us differently. The astounding loneliness is a nearly universal aftermath. For introverts, neurodivergent folks, and those with social anxiety, this experience can be even more daunting. I remember my last breakup vividly—it wasn’t just losing that person, it was losing my go-to person — the one I processed hard feelings with after a long day, my default plus-one to events, my automatic Friday night plan. Suddenly, I had to figure out how to exist outside of that structure. And that was terrifying.
Beyond the emotional toll, there is also a practical reality: breakups can easily create an abrupt social vacuum. Many young adults, especially when in long-term monogamous relationships, unintentionally centralize our partner as our primary or even sole social outlet. And when that disappears, it can lead to increased anxiety, isolation, and mood swings. Without realizing it, we may have let friendships fade, avoided social events, or lost touch with broader communities.
Proposing “Queering” Connection: What Does it Mean?
To “queer” something means to challenge and reimagine traditional norms. In this context, queering connections means decentering romantic and monogamous relationships as the primary source of social fulfillment. Queer communities have long embraced this idea, fostering chosen families and non-traditional support networks out of necessity.
Instead of seeking the next romantic partner or hook-up to fill the void, what if we viewed all relationships as potential sites of deep, meaningful connection? Friendships, community bonds, even casual social interactions can provide love, support, and a sense of belonging. Expanding our definition of intimacy can lead to a more fulfilling and resilient social life.
Steps to Build a Supportive Post-Breakup Community
Rebuilding Connection with Yourself
Practice self-compassion. A breakup isn’t just a loss; it’s a transition into a new version of yourself. Do you always want to join a friend’s movie night but had to prioritize your ex’s schedule previously? Do you want to hike more but opt for bowling because of the partner’s preference? Now is the time to belong fully to yourself and please your wishes unapologetically! Your body will thank you in no time.
Revisit hobbies or interests that may have fallen away during the relationship. Maybe you used to paint, go to trivia nights, explore new bookshops in town, or take long solo walks—reclaim those joys!
Expanding Your Social Circles
Join groups that align with your values and interests—mental health meetups, creative workshops (poetry reading and handcrafts are such fun!), queer community hangouts, local running clubs, etc.
Approach social spaces with curiosity rather than an agenda to replace your ex. The goal is to connect, not to “fix” loneliness with another romantic/sexual-oriented relationship. Remember the end goal is not to have a happy relationship, but to have a happy life with yourself, connections with someone special is one of many pathways to that end goal and sometimes, just a sweet addition.
Reconnecting with Friends or Acquaintances
Many friendships naturally fall to the side or shift dynamics during a committed relationship. It’s okay to reach out to old friends and say, “Hey, I’d love to reconnect.” In fact, I’d advocate for de-centering of monogamous romantic relationships in our lives and for adopting a non-hierarchical structure of connections with all lovely humans, regardless of the particular capacity or nature of a connection. Here are a few tips to get you started:
Small gestures—texting a meme, inviting someone for a walk—can go a long way in reestablishing bonds.
Embracing vulnerability! Be open about what you’re going through. Intimacy exists in many forms, and sharing your experience with trusted ones fosters stronger connections. Your genuineness and openness may open up venues to connect with people that are new and different than before.
Focus on depth over quantity. The Harvard Study of Adult Development found that the quality of relationships—not the number of them—is what contributes the most to long-term well-being and fulfillment in life.
Addressing Barriers Like Social Anxiety, Neurospicy-ness and Introversion
For those of us who are introverted, neurodivergent, or socially anxious, the advice to “just put yourself out there” can feel patronizing and practically useless. Additionally, socializing after a breakup may bring extra feelings of rejection sensitivity, exhaustion, or overwhelm. So, let’s talk practical strategies.
- Start small! Low-pressure activities like one-on-one coffee meetups or quiet group settings can be less daunting than large social gatherings. Knowing that you’ll be walking into a calm, supportive environment with understanding people can make socializing feel less daunting.
- Explore structured social spaces, like book clubs or offline spaces for quiet companionship — think of Amsterdam’s no-phone cafes where people crochet, read, and write in each other’s company. I personally love a sunny public park and a good picnic blanket where I can read next to a friend (or just my puppy!) with no pressure of intense verbal exchange. That’s brought me a lot of peace and joy during my last post-breakup period.
- Lean on online communities if in-person interactions feel overwhelming. Virtual spaces can be powerful tools for rebuilding social confidence. (And a lot of such platforms became available and popular as a result of the COVID pandemic. Despite all the challenges due to the pandemic, this technological development may have been to our benefit!)
- Seek mental health support. No need to trivialize the grief (or difficult feelings in general) from a breakup. Therapy can provide a space to process these feelings. Crisis hotlines, mental health apps, and peer support groups can offer additional layers of care. Acknowledge that breakup grief is real. Losing a romantic partner can be as painful and the pain can be as long-lasting as losing a loved one in other ways—it’s okay to take it seriously and seek support.
Ending Words
Breakups are hard, unbearably hard at times, but they can also be an opportunity and a window for great new things to happen. By queering connections, we can move beyond traditional relationship structures and cultivate a richer, more sustainable support network. Whether through friendships, community participation, or reconnection with yourself, embracing diverse forms of intimacy can transform the way we heal and grow.
So, take that first small step—reach out to an old friend, join that book club, or simply sit in a communal space and exist among others. You might be surprised at the new, meaningful connections waiting for you—and end up loving yourself more than before.
